I’m not feeling great. And when I don’t feel great, I want to withdraw, and much of my motivation goes out of the window. Ordinarily I’d give in to feeling crap and so wouldn’t bother writing this post, but I’m trying to improve my resilience.
I listen to a lot of podcasts with successful people, and many of them say that the secret to that success is to carry on when most people give up. I think there’s a lot of truth in that, as everybody has times where they feel rubbish and can’t be bothered – it’s the showing up that counts.
The thing is, I hold myself up against these people which only leads to me feeling unhappy. There might be thousands of people just like me, but I feel sad because I don’t have the get up and go of some motivational speaker! I know that I have a lot of potential, which winds me up even more because I never achieve the things I want to because I’m scared.
I’m scared of how anxiety makes me feel, and the sensations of discomfort that I experience. I’m scared that I won’t have the energy as I always seem to be tired. Sadly, the course of recovery doesn’t always run smoothly. I have a folder full of printouts of techniques I could try, but it’s having the ability to do them. Sometimes that feeling of progress and motivation is there and others it seems to slip through my fingers like sand.
I know that I’m hard of myself. It’s difficult not to be, because I’ve had other people be hard on me too. We live in a culture where it matters what we do and how we contribute to society, and so It hurts that I can’t seem to find a place for myself.
If I come back down to earth for a moment, I know that I have the therapeutic tools that I need to feel better, and that this dark cloud will pass, but it’s still hard in this moment. The joys of being human!