When I start finding life difficult, I withdraw. It’s like I only exist to myself and I get very stuck in my own head.
I’ve been feeling physically unwell, with various things including stomach pain. I called my GP, who went off on a tangent about my anxiety, asking me how I was feeling and going over the top with trying to reassure me that what I was experiencing was “normal”. I just felt completely invalidated. Yes, I know anxiety can affect your health, but I don’t believe in this situation that was the cause. I think I’m self-aware enough to know that!
I wasn’t in the best mood afterwards. I ended up in over analysis mode, going over whether I am indeed ill or if it’s all in my head. So, I fall back onto my old friend, avoidance. I find a lot of comfort in being alone. As an only child, I learned to escape into my books and vivid imagination. It works pretty well as a kid, but not so much as an adult when there’s stuff to get done.
I will listen to my body and rest when I need to, but I want to get back on track with my blog, and the Journalism course I’m doing. Keeping busy helps to distract me from my overthinking. I read something recently about this – people have different ways of thinking and experiencing the world. Some think in pictures, sounds, or emotions and some have a constant inner monologue. No prizes for guessing which I am.
I’ve been consistent with my daily 10-minute meditation, which might not seem like much, but for a terrible procrastinator with her head in the clouds, it’s pretty good! It helps me get a bit of distance from my thoughts, which can only be a good thing. I’m trying to recognise the space between triggers and my anxiety.
In a way my avoidance is a comfort, as I always have a friend in myself. But I need other people too, I can’t let myself forget that, so I thought I’d write this post and put some of my thoughts out there into the world.